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There was your brother’s accident and the exhaustion from talking care of him. And your sister’s brain tumor and her three surgeries since January, followed by her daily radiation treatments. But I think at the top of my list, or scorecard, was watching both of them suffer and struggle in pain. Seeing anyone suffer is difficult, but even more so when it is your very own precious children. All parents want to protect their children and I’m no different, so this was very, very, very painful.
After watching the film and spending time alone with God I didn't have any real answers other than I knew I wasn't alone in this. I’m not the only person who has felt like everything was wrong and would always be wrong. There are very few situations in life that others haven’t felt almost the same feelings you have or they have gone through something similar . I also took comfort in knowing Jesus shared similar feelings on the worst night of his life.
He was facing torture, separation from His Father, betrayal of friends and death. All He wanted was His closest friends to stay up with Him while He prayed for help, release and ultimately surrender. But more then once He was disappointed.
Matthew 26:36-38,40 Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, "Sit here while I go over there and pray." He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me."........ Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. "Could you men not keep watch with me for one hour?" he asked Peter.
Even though I didn’t know what to do with everything that had happen in the last nine months. I knew what NOT to do and how NOT to act. Perhaps when you are stuck sometimes it’s enough to stop what you are currently doing. I think this bought me enough time to think what I could do to make it better.
It really isn’t that complicated. Often in life you know what to do, but you lack the will or motivation to do it. Like I said I was in shut down mode. It was almost if the accident was system crash that God allowed so I could re-boot .
I knew the first thing was I had to start re-engaging life. I needed to get up and read my Bible, even if it was just a verse or two. Like I said earlier it isn’t Bible reading that helps in itself, but the act of listening to God and putting myself in a position to hear His voice and think about the things that matter to Him. Prayer is the same thing; this is the part that is always harder for me. I guess because when I’m feeling guarded the last thing I want to do is share my deepest longings and hurts.
I also knew I need to ask for forgiveness.
I’m sorry I’ve been shut down or angry. I’m sorry I set a bad example by trying to go it alone and “handle” this on my own. It wasn’t working. (Duh) ! I know that there were times when I wasn’t there for you and that makes me sad. I hope in the future should times become difficult you will remember what not to do. Remember that when life is complicated and out of control the simple things are best. Rely on God, Family and Friends to get you through. And you can always, always turn around even if you have gone way off course.
I’m thankful for all that I’ve learned, or really re-learned in the last 9 months. I’m even thankful for my accident and the opportunity to start over, because IT IS a Wonderful Life.
I love you, Mom
I never finished my letter to my children while I was at the time-share. I prayed, read my Bible and tried to be quiet and listen. I also watched more movies. I finished the last 1/3 while writing this post. I decided to finish the letter and make it my first blog to honor them. Along the way I discovered that I liked writing, even if I wasn’t that good at it and that has been a gift, to me anyways.
When I came home I kinda looked like this this:
Or maybe like this:
But really like this:
It has been 2 months since I’ve been home from the time-share and God was definitely there. I have tried to implement all the things in this letter with the additions of, exercising and blogging. So far it’s going pretty good, not perfect but good.
I often think of the man I hit in my car that day. I’m praying there are no lasting effects from the accident. I’m praying that he is healed and finds peace.
I hope that even now he looks like this:
